“Judging others is bad”.

Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.

From our earliest age we are taught not to “judge” people. My definition of “judging” is when an opinion about someone is attached to a “value”. “Good people” and “Bad people”. “Good behavior” and “bad behavior”…etc. Maybe it was school or maybe it’s just life that has reinforced this definition of “judgement”.

But yet, from our earliest age we are, in fact, “judged”.

Growing up, we get “progress reports.” Value placed.

As a child you either did your chores or you didn’t. Value placed.

You bring a gift to a friend’s birthday party. Value placed.

You score the winning basket or cross the finish line. Value placed.

“Good child” or “Bad child”. 

That said, as adults we are somewhat wired to “judge” our behaviors and their outcomes. Unknowingly many believe the sum of our behaviors and their outcomes determine our value in the world.  Hence, humans will do what humans do. Our interactions with other humans will be tainted with some amount of “judgement”. We see ourselves and fellow humans as “good” or “bad”.

And this leads me to one of the greatest barriers to personal growth. “Judgement”.

I was recently working with a patient when a statement caught my attention….. “I didn’t want to come to therapy today because I thought you would be mad at me (because I didn’t do my exercises)”.  Always a curious statement when I am on the receiving end.

Whether this patient is judging her own behavior or whether she assumes I am judging her behavior doesn’t matter. The point is “judgement” is potentially influencing future behaviors. (Not coming to therapy).

And this brings me to the next thought in this mental journey. Our healthcare system made up of imperfect humans who also grew up in a society that “judges”.

I read a lot of medical notes. The language selected in a medical note is somewhat informative and often times disappointing.  “Multiple co-morbidities”, “anxious”, “multiple admissions”, “malingerer”, “supportive family”, “motivated patient”, “compliant”, “non-compliant”, “high pain tolerance”, “low pain tolerance”, “against medical advice”…. Etc. etc.  Whether conscious or unconscious, “value” placed. Maybe not by the author, but a greater than zero chance by a young practitioner who reads it.

I can’t help but think, a patient can feel these words. Whether spoken or just buried deep into a medical record…… “My value is the result of my medical condition and past/present behaviors”

Judgement. Value place.

Humans will do what humans do. Judgment of others (in some cases) is unavoidable.

Ok, so here is the actual point that started with a statement made by a patient who was either judging their own behavior or felt they were being judged…….If you are a patient, here is the inside scoop on what MOST therapists understand. Life happens, kids happen, family emergencies happen, motivation can wax and wane, priorities shift – all valid reasons to back off or completely stop doing a home therapy program. Built into the “clinical decison making” equation is developing a home plan that works and modifying the plan when necessary.

MOST doctors (i think) understand that medical decisions are complicated and a patient’s decision is influenced by their life circumstances, goals, values, spiritual/moral/ethical beliefs….etc.

Now, whether your healthcare professional is judging you or not, is not within your control. However, for your own growth, I would give the benefit of the doubt.

AND

Self-judgement is NOT helpful.

Self judgement will tell you if you missed one day of doing your exercises, you might as well “throw in the towel”.

Self judgement will tell you that because of your past behaviors you don’t deserve to be “healthy” or “recover”.

Self judgement will tell you NOT to go to therapy because you will either need to lie to your therapist or “admit” you “failed”.

And the most deceptive of all

Self judgement will tell you “I didn’t deserve this (because I was a good person)”.

Self judgment will tell you “I deserve to be better by now (because of my “compliance”).

Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.

In fact, I will add don’t judge the cover, the pages, the sentence structure or the order of the chapters. It’s your story….

We can’t fix others and how they behave. The only thing we can control is our thoughts, and behaviors.

And here is the truth.

If you are a believer, you understand that God is good and works out everything for the good of those who call upon his name.

You were created in his image.

You were perfectly and wonderfully made.

You are also human and will make mistakes.

God knew that mistake before you made it and He has a perfect plan for our imperfections.

AND

There is no fear in love. Love for yourself and love for others.

Where are you judging yourself? How is this impacting your behaviors in that area? How is your self judgement shaping your perception of others?

How might self compassion and self love positively impact your relationship with doing your therapy and taking steps to improve your health?