Select Page

This week, I spent time with a friend who is currently caring for her husband of 30 years and her son, who both have late-stage cancer. I am praying for their healing, but the reality is, it isn’t looking good.

And,

She is no more or less content today than she has been on every occasion over the course of the last 20+ years.

There is not an ounce of resentment or even annoyance in her tone, cadence, or body language as she tells me the unpleasant details of life as a caregiver – wound care, dramatic weight loss, emotional/personality changes, doctor appointments, chemo schedules, and…….. “end of life” discussions long before anticipated.

If I can be totally honest, if I were in her shoes, I would be a little resentful. She is a beautiful human who has lived a life of service to her community. Her husband is a respected psychologist and they are a few of the most caring, happy, giving, people I know.

I recently read that “expectations are premeditated resentments”.

Wikipedia tells me that resentment is a “mixture of disappointment, disgust, and anger.”

So why no anger? Why no disgust or even a hint of disappointment?

Well, I can only imagine it has something to do with how she ended our conversation and how she has ended multiple conversations over the course of the previous 20 years…….

“This life is just a blip on the radar”.

At the risk of being repetitive, life is hard.

Bad things happen.

Disease happens.

Bad people do evil things.

Expecting that you will be exempt is a recipe for premeditated resentment.

And,

Overcoming a “bad thing”, isn’t easy. And the work required won’t be “fare”.

Losing a job is harder for those who have no transferrable skills.

Neurologic recovery is harder for those who were not mentally/physically “healthy” prior to the event.

Losing a home – from a devastating hurricane – is harder for those without financial means or a second home.

Expecting that changing your situation will be easy is premeditated resentment.

And living a life of resentment isn’t living.

So, let me be clear and set the expectations for your current or future “bad thing”….

There is no genie, magic rainbow or beanstalk. There is no “easy way out”. There is no “perfect exercise”, red light, surgical implant, stem cell, supplement or “life hack” that will guarantee a “speedy recovery” or a long, painless life.

Life will be hard, the road will be long….

Expecting this reality to unfold at some point in life is not depressing, negative, or disempowering. On the contrary, it restores one’s power.

It releases you from the worry of the unexpected and open the door to developing the skills to respond optimally when challenges arise.

One of those skills is something Angela Duckworth calls grit. (In her book Grit: power of passion and perseverance)

According to Angela, grit is a combination of passion AND perseverance. In short, working hard to overcome obstacles over a long period of time. And, having a “why”.

In Psychology Today, “If you’re gritty, you attain success through endurance, perseverance, resilience, passion, hard work, and practice, practice, practice”

So, how do you develop grit when going through a major health crisis?

  1. Focus on what you can control.
  2. Be relentless in your search for the meaning in the difficulty.
  3. Be curious about all the potential solutions. Big and small.
  4. Embrace setbacks as opportunities to develop resilience for future obstacles.
  5. Attach yourself to as many things as possible that make the process fun. If you don’t believe in the power of this, spend an hour on a playground and watch the short life cycle of a child’s “tribulation”… Happy > fall down > cry > see (something fun) > engage in said fun activity > happy.
  6. Have a realistic goal that involves doing something that gives your life meaning. Serve/volunteer, babysit grandchildren, mentor a youth, cook a meal for a friend, gain a level of independence to give your spouse some respite….….etc.
  7. Surround yourself with “gritty” people. If you don’t have any gritty people in your life, listen/watch/follow gritty people. Who you spend time with matters. Who you follow on social media matters. Who you watch on television matters.

And, at the end of every day, remind yourself of this. The ultimate, real, and true “expectation” is a future home without scar or blemish. A place where the old will become new, the blind will see, and the sick will be healed.

Until that day arrives, be gritty.

“Grit depends on a different kind of hope. It rests on the expectation that our own efforts can improve our future. “I have a feeling tomorrow will be better” is different from “I resolve to make tomorrow better.”
― Angela Duckworth, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance