“Pain is not wrong. Reacting to pain as wrong initiates the trance of unworthiness. The moment we believe something is wrong, our world shrinks and we lose ourselves in the effort to combat the pain.”
― Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha

I can’t think of a greater pain than losing a child to murder. That said, I am always struck when I come across an interview of parents in this situation who seem to exhibit both sadness and peace. Not only does it seem impossible, but it is hard to even put into words what this contradiction of emotions looks like. But if you have ever seen it, you know.

I recently saw such an interview with Mr. and Mrs. Chapin whose son was recently murdered. When asked about how they are coping, the answer was simple….. we accept that we can’t bring our son back (paraphrased).

The first words that come to mind when listening to this heartbreaking story is……radical acceptance.  Radical acceptance is the ability to acknowledge a distressing (horrific, life changing… insert painful emotion) situation and finding an inner peace with the elements you can’t control.

I am hard-pressed to think of a week where I don’t talk to someone who self describes their current situation as the worst season of their life. Maybe this is you. For some, it is the loss of physical abilities. For others, it is the realization that years of suboptimal lifestyle choices has stolen their health. And still for others it is the result of losing the “DNA lottery”.

It is also not uncommon for me to be on the receiving end of a litany of questions…..

Will I get my life back?

When will I get my life back?

What do I need to do to get my life back?

And in typical me fashion, I am quick to go into “problem solving mode”. I imagine this person walking again and returning to their previous, beautifully illustrated, life.

In addition to putting together an action plan, I am quick to also talk about “self discipline” and “enjoying the process” and all the things I think are necessary to reach said previous, beautiful life.

But before long, I realize something important and I stop myself…..

The person asking the questions will be back. Maybe not to me, but to the next person that can solve the next “problem”.

You see, most humans, me included, believe that there are “greener pastures”. If only I get over this next mountain. Yes, there it will be. The green pasture of a life of peace, contentment, happiness…insert “feel good” emotion.

But Experience has taught me beyond every “green pasture” will be yet another mountain.

At the risk of sounding “Cliché” or turning off the atheists, there is a God-shaped hole within all of us. As hard as we try, “getting your life back”, material possessions, financial freedom, the “perfect health”, the perfect body, a great family, great friends, “peace”, “contentment”, “enlightenment”, etc., etc…. will not fill it.

And even if you do, the “feeling” of success is temporal. You will eventually return to your baseline emotion.

Jim Carrey said it best. “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”

I don’t want to deceive you into thinking I have somehow figured out “life”. Nor that I consider myself qualified to be giving “life” advice. If anything, I am learning and sharing what I learn.

And here is what I know …..The “answer” will never be in the destination. And the ones who ultimately win at life are those who have learned the art of accepting the uncontrollable, focusing on the controllable while finding peace with the creator who is ultimately controlling the strings.

Once you do, you are truly free. Free to take the necessary steps that will put you on the road to a better version of your current situation.

“Sometimes we make the process more complicated than we need to. We will never make a journey of a thousand miles by fretting about how long it will take or how hard it will be. We make the journey by taking each day step by step and then repeating it again and again until we reach our destination.” – Joseph B. Wirthlin