The other day my mom and I were on the phone reminiscing about my childhood and I was trying to recall the name of a particular neighborhood that we both loved….. to no avail.

It drove me nuts well into the night. I would attempt to work on other things, yet images of visiting a friend, in this now frustratingly “nameless” development, was humming in the back of my mind.   After several hours of trying to do other things and having my mind deviate back to the seemingly meaningless memory, I texted my 73 year old mother to share my “torment”. And her response was short, sweet, and to the point. JUST LOOK ON GOOGLE MAPS! Yes, in all caps.

Looking beyond the fact that my mother is more tech savvy than myself, this experience is a reminder of how easily our brains can be “hijacked” by “unfinished business”.

Enter the Zeigarnik Effect which says that we remember unfinished tasks more than completed ones.

In other words, the human brain HATES open loops and, if left unchecked, has the potential to cause a myriad of unpleasant emotions after a neurologic injury.

There is the career that is cut short, now left unfinished.

There are the dreams of a retirement that now seems unattainable.

And

The mobility once taken for granted, remains unrestored.

And the list has the potential to go on and on.

The mind and our memories can be both a blessing and a curse. The loops that remain open, can either create drive or resentment. And for good reason. Forget you are cooking something on the stove and you might burn your house down. Removing the grocery list from your mind after your purchase, leaves space for something more meaningful. “Complete” gives the rush of dopamine (feel good chemical) while “in-progress” only gives a “drizzle”.

But what if, instead of resisting biology, we embraced it? What if the power isn’t in “closing the loop”, but in learning how to live inside of it?

Enter the wabi sabi concept that has deep roots in the Japanese art. “Wabi” comes from the Japanese word wabishii which means “sadness from not being able to fulfill what you want to do”

And “sabi” comes from sabu which finds beauty in things that have withered away or show signs of aging.

Putting these two words together, wabi-sabi represents the idea that one can find beauty in the things that are left “imperfect” by nature or the passage of time.

An example of wabi-sabi is kintsugi. Kintsugi is a Japanese practice of restoring broken pottery by piecing it back together with gold lacquer making the repaired pot stronger and more beautiful.

Both wabi-sabi and kintsugi are part of Buddhist teachings that “life and existence involve impermanence, suffering, and the absence of self”.

Impermanence is the state of not lasting or being temporary.

This idea of “impermanence” flies in the face of Western society, which celebrates success, winning, perfection, and, yes, completion. You are hard pressed to ask someone how they are doing and not get some variation of a “productive” response (ie: Kids are “successful”, job project is complete, lawn is mowed, house is clean… etc) but I digress……

In other words, rarely do you hear (with satisfaction), about the “chaos”, the “open loops”, or the things yet to be resolved.

“Able-bodied” people often ask me how I do what I do without getting sad. I am always taken aback by this question because nothing about helping people restore their mobility is “depressing”. But beyond the physical recovery that I get the opportunity to be a part of, it is the mental and emotional “wins” that are not only inspirational but aspirational.

Case and point, a lady I worked with several years ago with one such story. She and her husband were powerful attorneys with 3 teenage daughters. On this particular day of our meeting, by all appearances, were a loving couple with a happy marriage. But that is not the full story. 5 years prior to our meeting, they were divorced. Shortly after the divorce the wife had a massive stroke, was placed in a “facility” and in her words, “left to die”. When I met them, they were remarried and by all accounts in a loving marriage. She had regained most of her movement, walking without any assistive device and using both hands to independently complete all of her daily activities.

Marriages are not “supposed” to end in divorce. Successful people are not “supposed” to have a catastrophic health event. Divorced couples are not “supposed” to find their way back into a loving relationship. Men are not “supposed” to take on the role of “caregiver” (speaking from the lens of societal norms).

Stories like this are not supposed to be “beautiful”. Yet……..

And,

A neurologic injury is not “supposed” to happen to people like you. Yet…….

But “beauty” can only be found if you go through the “mess” and look for it.

Grief is part of the mess. If you have suffered a neurologic injury that has taken a piece of your life, you must grieve.

But “grief” is not only about losing a part of your former life. Grief also occurs when life seems to be left “unfinished”.  The “loop” remains open and the “what ifs” seem to fill the void of the empty spaces deep within that have the potential to wreak havoc on your thoughts and subsequent behaviors.

The “weight” of not having “normal” movement can create “overwhelm” that is too much to bear. So you skip a day of therapy. Which rolls into a week, and maybe a year.

The “weight” of the “hitch” in your walking pattern causes you to ruminate on finding that perfect exercise that will fix the problem. And close the loop so you can forget about this “horrible season of life” (or so I have heard).

I haven’t had a neurologic injury, but as a “westerner”, I understand the heavy load that comes with not feeling like you are where you think you “should” be.

The depth and breadth of the “load” of what remains “unfinished” is different for everyone. For some it is the “unfinished career” that was cut short due to a mobility limitation. Or the weight of not having the mobility back that was once taken for granted. Life that is “in-progress” seems to carry “heavier” than “complete”.

Many of you know my dog Chico (he has had a few “cameos” on the channel). He just had his 13^th birthday and his age is starting to show. He no longer enjoys pulling me around our little loop with a seeming devotion to “beat his previous time” back to the front door. Nope, he just wants to stay in one particular spot and smell every blade of grass in one little patch about 25 feet from the front door. It is as if he is taking in the “beauty” of nature with little concern about the rest of the loop that he used to love. It is as if he lives with a deep understanding of impermanence.

There are many things that have become a beautiful masterpiece, thought seemingly left “unfinished”.  Beethoven’s Tenth Symphony was left unfinished at his death. Scholars have tried to reconstruct it without success.  But even in its incomplete state, it is beautiful and has immense value.  Not because it was finished, but because it was started. (according to google 😊)

A stroke interrupts life much like an unfinished symphony. A life that seemingly had momentum and a finish line, now pauses…….unresolved.

And,

This season of your life can either be a heavy weight of all that is left “in-progress” or a beautiful masterpiece that was never meant to be completed.

Here is the truth. God created you and me to do good work. The finish line of all that He has created is on the other side of our life on earth. The truth is life was never meant to be a perfectly completed novel, tied up neatly with a final chapter. It is and has always been a collection of ongoing stories. Some cut short, some rewritten, some passed on for others to finish.

The cracks in the pottery are where the light gets in. The pauses in the poem are where the meaning deepens. And the weight of the unfinished is not a “burden” to carry, but something to cherish.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves… Live the questions now. Perhaps you will gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

– Rainer Maria Rilke