No Contracts In Life

From the time I was an infant, without fail, when I behaved in a particular manner, something happened. If I cried, I got fed. As I got older, if I received a good grade, I was rewarded. In college, studying (a lot) resulted in a degree. When I started my first “real job”, if I showed up to work, I was paid. Cause and effect is a beautiful thing. If I do “x”, I will be “rewarded”.

On the other hand, if I cried as a toddler, or didn’t study for a test, or didn’t show up for work, well, the opposite result occurred. I was “punished”. In other words, I had “failed”. No bueno. Maybe this “cause and effect thing” isn’t so great.

You have probably had a similar upbringing. If so, you and I have been conditioned in a very specific way of thinking…..

1. Behaviors matter.
2. They have consequences.
3. Good or bad (behavior), you will be “judged”.
4. You and those around you will critique that behavior to either reinforce “rewarding behaviors” and avoid “punishing” behaviors.

Welcome to what I am going to call “contractual thinking”.

Per Merriam Webster, a contract is a binding agreement between two parties. And, like it or not, we “write contracts” (in our thought patterns) multiple times per day.

“If I eat this donut, I will gain weight”

“If I go to the gym, I will lose weight”

“If I don’t go to the gym, I am lazy and will gain weight”

“If I get angry or I am unkind, I will be rejected”

“If I am kind, I will be accepted”

“If I save and invest my money, I will eventually have financial security”

“If I get married, I will have an amazing life with a spouse,  white picket fence, 2 kids, and a golden retriever.”

A golden retriever makes every Christmas photo just a smidge above the rest. But I digress.

Ok, but now back to the point about our “contractual thought patterns”…… We do this ALL. Day. Long.

And,

It is not necessarily a bad thing.

I will admit, I can avoid most cookies (insert any decadant treat) with one simple thought.  “Tara, you are acting like a toddler”. Thankfully, I never go down the dark rabbit hole if I actually eat the cookie. So, buyer beware, if you choose to implement my self control strategy. 😊

I can get myself to the gym by perceiving myself as “lazy” if I don’t. Again, buyer before.

Fear of rejection, will sometimes give me the discipline to treat people with a little more kindness and empathy.

And I can go on and on with similar examples where my “contractual relationship” with life and the world has served me well.

However, here is the hard truth…. life is not what you see in the movies. The “rom com” of life stops before the ending scene. The action movie ends before the hero arrives to save the day. And there is no sequel to the horror film. That is just the reality of life.

Now that I “ruined” the ending, let’s talk about relational thinking.

A relationship is the state of being interrelated. A kinship (to people connected by blood or marriage). A passionate or romantic attachment.

Having a relationship with life and thus with our creator, is not “contractual”. We live and breathe and exist to be in a relationship with our creator and, thus, also with our experiences.

God doesn’t “need” us to do anything for him. He is, of course, God.

But more than that, our behaviors do not guarantee the storybook ending we expect when we believe we are under “contract” for said “storybook ending”.

In other words, life happens.

The people we judge as “underserving” get “rewarded”

And

The people we judge as “underserving” suffer unimaginable pain. I see this first hand.

When you have a relationship with life and with your Creator, there is no contract.

I have a few “healthy relationships” with people I love dearly. When we first met, I don’t recall ever “judging” their behavior nor questioned whether or not they would be “good friends”. It just so happens that our mutual curiosity to get to know one another meant we hung out more frequently and thus the relationship grew into friendships.

As our friendship with one another has grown, we are more invested in one another and want to maintain the friendship. But not all is “sunshine and roses”. We sometimes disagree. They do things I sometimes thing is “annoying” and I am sure vice versa. We occasionally hurt eachother’s feelings and in one instance, yes, I was physically injured (funny story and not intentional). But through it all, we remain friends. Because we are in relationship with one another.

Equally important, we don’t spend any energy looking for the things that would cause us to no longer be friends. Maintaining the friendship is worth it.

Life can be a similar experience.

If we choose to be in relationship and not under contract.

I will be the first to tell you, I gravitate toward “contractual living”. I want to believe that the harder I work, I will receive my “reward”. And, when that doesn’t happen, yes, I am disappointed. I want to believe everyone has good intentions. And when I learn otherwise, I get angry.

But I am someone who believes that having a relationship with the One who created the heavens and the earth and you and me IS perfect.

And, in His story, there is a storybook ending.

But first, we have the amazing opportunity to be in relationship with this life.