January 1. A new year. A “fresh start”.
I know it is just a turn of the page on the calendar, but it signifies so much. It truly is a new beginning. An opportunity to tackle new challenges and create a vision for what is possible.
Statistics will show that the most common goal that people will set in the new year is a “health-related goal”. Lose weight, “get abs”, train for a 5k, quit drinking/smoking…. Etc.
And while all of this sounds great on January 1, most will revert back to said lifestyle/behaviors within 4-6 weeks. And I don’t think it is for lack of willpower, determination, dedication, and/or discipline.
No, I think for most, who end up not following through, it is for lack of grieving. Yup, in all of the hype and excitement, we forget to grieve. We forget to grieve the life (and the behaviors) that served us so well. Whether it be alcohol, food, nicotine, or the comfort of a sedentary life, they all filled a vital role. Each one has the delusion of pleasure. And for a brief moment in time, they are, in fact, “pleasurable.”
I have quit many bad habits in my life, and without a doubt, I can attest that each one brought a period of time of “suck.” Sorry for the unsophisticated description, but there is really no other way to describe it.
You see, with the removal of each of the habits, I had to face the fact that there was some “void” that habit was fulfilling. I had to grieve the loss.
And here is why this matters.
If your expectation is that growing into a better version of yourself starts out “fun”, you might be setting yourself up not to achieve your intended outcome.
But here is the hope. Growth IS fun. Accomplishing things you thought were impossible, or maybe highly improbable, can give life such immense meaning. Not because of what you accomplish but because of who you become.
Whether it is health, business, relationships, and/or a family-related goal, showing up and doing something you didn’t necessarily “feel like” doing is invigorating. You become someone YOU can trust. You become someone who is dependable and reliable.
But here is the catch, none of that happens without enduring a time of grief.
The grieving process starts with a time of denial. Pretending like you aren’t actually giving up a piece of your life that brought you pleasure. Or maybe denying that “it was even a problem” in the first place.
Next, is some form of negative emotion when you can’t have the thing that brought you so much joy. I call this the inner child tantrum. This also serves a purpose. It helps us to avoid the actual “pain” of the loss.
But when it comes to grieving, a habit, I think the most seductive of all the grieving process is bargaining. “I’ll quit sugar, but only the really “bad” sweets like donuts”.
Now, comes a period of depression. Now, I am being a little dramatic here, but it is good to recognize that for some people there will be a deep sadness as you let go of something that seemingly brought you “joy”. You must feel the loss, sadness and overwhelm that comes when you realize you are no longer the person who does the said habit.
And eventually you WILL get to a place of acceptance. “I understand that this habit was a part of my life, but it isn’t anymore, and I am ok with letting it go forever.”
Now, for some, you might think this a little dramatic, and here is the point: most people do not accomplish their “new year, new me” habit because they didn’t take it seriously enough.
“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings” – Lao Tzu
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I love this. It’s so true that when we change we give up things that gave us pleasure in the past. Acknowledging that there will be a period of feeling the loss is great advice. We will get past that and find new things to give us pleasure.
Absolutely!